Wednesday, November 24, 2010

What the actual fuck?!
Just found out that my ex (well, I guess he's just one of them now) lost his virginity to one of my friends from primary school on the weekend. When I heard that, my stomach honestly just dropped and I felt like crying/vomiting/dying/yelling/punching something all at the same time. It made me realise I still have feelings for him. After, what, three months, I'm still not over him? This is pathetic. Okay, yeah, I'm jealous. But I thought he could do better than that. He said he wanted to wait until he was 'in love'
I guess I just wasn't good enough for him to fall in love with.
I want him back.
There, I admitted it. Too bad he'll never read this. Even if he did, would he care? Would he say anything? I doubt it. He has no feelings whatsoever for me anymore.
Why do I always have to fall for the ones who don't want me? The ones who've already wanted me. This isn't fair. I have feelings for three guys at the moment, and none of them want me back. I'm thinking there's something crucial wrong with me.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

I've been feeling way too down lately, so in maths the other day I decided to make a list of things I like, things that make me smile, things that give me hope. They might seem little, but a whole list of little things makes up one big thing. I wrote it so when I feel like this I can look at it and remember why I've stayed here so long.

  • picnics
  • rain
  • swings
  • vintage dresses
  • old photos
  • op shopping
  • holding hands
  • guitar hero
  • little black dresses
  • concerts
  • kisschasy
  • mosh pits
  • bus trips
  • waterproof mascara
  • friends
  • orange juice
  • taking photos
  • exploring
  • green eyes
  • boy's chests
  • confessions
  • heartbeats
  • d&m's
  • freedom
  • films (watching + making)
  • thunderstorms
  • band t-shirts
  • piercings
  • polaroids
  • freckles
  • posters
  • twins
  • deep lyrics
  • stability
  • sensitive boys
  • duets
  • skateparks
  • creative tattoos
  • inbox sessions with matt <3
  • mighty boosh marathons
  • writing
  • summer heights high
  • the british lolly shop
  • dressing up
  • cold showers
  • hugs
  • comic books
  • anime
  • bicycles
  • platypuses
  • frankie magazine
  • nailpolish
  • reading
  • big headphones
  • my ipod touch
  • fresh sheets
  • red hair
  • high-waisted skirts
  • whispers
  • guitar
  • boys who can play guitar
  • subtitles
  • drumming
  • chest tattoos
  • streetlights
  • colourful shoes
  • necks
  • swans
  • drawing
  • computers
  • art gallerys
  • exhibitions
  • odd things
  • things that make no sense
  • eraserhead
  • chaos
I wish my friends cared about me as much as I care about them.
+ I feel like I need everyone more than they need me.
I don't know.
It's not like anyone actually gives a shit about me.

Friday, November 19, 2010

There was blood all over my sheets the other day.
Mum saw and she thought it was because I got my period, she thought it was an accident.
I didn't have the heart to tell her otherwise.
The real reason?
I tried to cut myself open from the inside out.
Not with razors, I'm no stereotypical 'emo' kid.
I used a knife.
I'm still afraid that one day I'll go too far, cut too deep. What'll happen then? I don't think I particularly want to die, I'm not suicidal. I hold onto the hope that everything will get better someday, the suffering will end. Otherwise, what reason have I got to stay?
And why, you may ask?
I was thinking about everything. About repression, about his hands on me, about abuse.
It wasn't even really that though.
It was really the fact that I saw myself in the mirror for the first time since god knows when. Really saw myself. Saw how fat I've gotten, how truly ugly I am. I couldn't stand it. I can't pass for 45 kilos anymore. I really can't.

I hate that I forgot they were there, I was walking around without a shirt on like I do when I'm home alone, and my parents saw. My stepdad thinks I did it for attention. He doesn't understand. Nobody does, not unless they've done it. If I wanted attention, do you think it would be on my stomach, which I don't show anybody? Nobody sees my stomach.

They're not angry. They're not mad. They're 'disappointed'
Another parent trick, as Matt said. They know it makes me feel worse than I would if they said they were mad. I wish I could go back.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

And you know what, fuck him. Fuck him for leaving. Fuck him for fucking with my mind. Fuck him for not knowing what he wants. Fuck him for dragging me into it. Fuck him for being such a fantastic kisser. Fuck him for ruining my favourite band. Fuck him for barely saying a word to me before I left. Fuck him for not waving. Fuck him for getting my hopes up. Fuck him for making my hopes useless. Fuck him for taking off with my fucking happiness.
Fuck me. Fuck me for always getting into situations like these. Fuck me for caring. Fuck me for not knowing the words that would have made him stay. Fuck me for not knowing what I want. Fuck me for wavering. Fuck me for not kissing him back the right way. Fuck me for getting my hopes up. Fuck me for not having more realistic hopes. Fuck me for making him the reason for my happiness.
If I hadn’t stayed those two extra minutes in the bathroom, staring at the mirror, as if my face would suddenly tell me the answers my mind didn’t know. If I’d been able to push through the crowd of thoughts in my mind instead of being stuck inside its haphazard body-maze. If I’d seen him before I got to the door. If I’d said something when I saw him coming. If I’d managed any of these ifs – would I have been able to avoid the inevitable fuck up, the full force fuck off? My pride shut me up, my hurt shut me down, and together they ganged up on my hope and let him get away.

Monday, November 15, 2010

I didn’t let him go. He went. It’s not my fault. He did it. He could undo it. This is feeling so fucking familiar. Why do we even bother? Why do we make ourselves so open to such easy damage? Is it all loneliness? Is it all fear? Or is it just to experience those narcotic moments of belonging with someone else. Didn’t you know it was as simple as the way you dragged me out the door? You didn’t have to make out with me to get me there. And now I know this. And now I can say this. And now you’re gone. It’s my fault, isn’t it? Fuck this. Fuck this wondering. Fuck this trying and trying. Fuck this idea that two people can become one ideal. Fuck this helplessness. Fuck this waiting for something to happen that probably won’t ever happen.
Fuck fuck fuckity fuck, I'm pretty sure I just single-handedly ruined one of the best friendships of my life, I shouldn't have told him that. I don't know why I even brang it up, it wasn't even necessary! I think curiosity got the better of me again, but like they say, curiosity killed the cat. Clearly this proves once and for all there is something wrong with me. I'm so stupid, why do I have to wreck everything that's important to me?

Saturday, November 13, 2010

My emotions are out of control. Every emotion I have is so much more intense than I think is normal. When I’m happy, I feel invincible like nothing can bring me down. When I love someone, it takes over my life and nothing else seems to have meaning. When I’m hurt or upset, it’s like I hit rock bottom everytime. I think I feel too much.

Friday, November 12, 2010

You told me you needed some "single time" but you're already with someone else? I guess you did want a relationship, just not with me.

You’re "in love" with her now but I wonder if you miss me, if I ever cross your mind. Do things still remind you of me? You’re everywhere I look. Do thoughts of me make you smile? I’m probably the last thing you’d ever think of.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

"Drain the pressure from the swelling, this sensation's overwhelming."
I hate the sentence “But I still want to be your friend.” To me, it's worse than saying “I want nothing to do with you.” So in the meantime I guess I’ll just be your friend and that way I can see you happy with other girls who aren’t me.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I know I'm going to sound like a total hypocrite, but if you call yourself depressed one more fucking time I am going to stab you.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

No matter how much I tell myself I hate you and that I don’t want anything to do with you anymore, I know I would drop everything and come over if you asked me to.
Self-loathing takes hold once again. It seems as though the only time I'm truly happy is when I'm talking to him, and that makes me feel weird because I've never even met him properly. And even then I feel like he's going to get sick of me eventually, because everyone does. But back to the subject.

I know the link to this is on my facebook, but I doubt anyone actually reads it except a select few, and they've told me they read it so I know who it is.

I think my depression's slowly getting worse. I don't know if it's because of my recent relationship failures or what, I don't think it is or should be, because I was only with Ben for a week so it's not like I was in love with him or anything. I just feel so down all the time, like no one would even notice if I just disappeared, faded into nothing. I feel like everyone's out to get me, they hate me, they don't want me around. I'm a failure, a fake, a worthless piece of nothing. All day I'm just waiting for the moment I can get home, close my door, chuck my bag on the floor and collapse onto my bed and start crying. I hate it, the pills are meant to stop me from feeling like this. I can't tell anyone because they say it's just normal teenage problems, but I seriously doubt that. If all teenagers felt like this, the suicide rates would be much higher.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

I want to be involved in things, I want people to invite me places, to hang out with them. Maybe I'm just a horrible person and a really shit friend, that's why I don't get invited anywhere.

Friday, November 5, 2010

I just want a guy, who really loves me for who I am, but not in that way, we're just like really good friends. And neither of us have an alternative motive, we're best friends, we say we're best friends and we mean it and it's true. And we hang out all the time and we just sleep over each other's house and just do fun shit, and then when we go to sleep he just hugs me the whole time. And none of it is sexual, it's just a best friends thing. He doesn't want to get into my pants, he's not like the other ones, who are only friends with me because they think they'll get something out of it and just fuck off when they realise they won't, because I'm not actually like that, it's all just rumours. And he understands that I have problems, and he has problems too but we just don't care because we have so much fun together. And when he sees something sad on my blog or facebook, he calls me up or walks to my house because he doesn't want me to hurt myself, and he knows that unless I'm with someone I will, because I can't control it when I'm alone.
Too bad I'll never get that, reading over it, it just sounds impossible, it'll never happen.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

I don't know why I even get involved with boys, it always ends badly.
I'm not even that upset about this last one, but last time I was at his place I left my wallet there, and he said he'd give it to my friend who lives near him to give to me (this is when we were still going out) because I live like half an hour away and my friend goes to my school.
And I've asked him twice to give it to her, and he just doesn't answer.
And it's not like he hasn't been on facebook, I've seen him comment on things, he just doesn't reply to me. It's not like I'm saying I want to get back together with him, or telling him how heartbroken I am.
I wish I had some older, big muscly older guy friends who could go to his house and beat him up and get my wallet back.
Or maybe just get my wallet back.
I just want my fucking wallet back!
Boys make me angry.
My now ex-boyfriend was playing with my ribs while I was lying next to him. That feeling of satisfaction knowing that they are noticeable was more gratifying than anything I’ve ever felt.
I know we just started talking properly recently, but for once everything seems right. He makes me laugh constantly, makes me smile. I just hope that he won’t be like the rest, who will talk to me for about a month…and then cut off all communication whatsoever. I’m just trying not to get my hopes up, again, so I won’t get hurt, again. I really hope you’re not like the rest. I need a good guy, a good friend in my life for once. And I hope he doesn’t listen to what the people who don’t like me say. Because NONE OF IT is true. I just want someone who’s a friend to me that I don’t feel is fake to me.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Every time I even start to have feelings for someone, they get a girlfriend. Or tell me who they like, and ask for advice on how to get her. Or tell me they're gay.
I think there's something wrong with me.
I’ve lied about some stupid things in my life. And now I’m starting to believe those things actually happened. I’m tired of lying about my life just so others will accept me. I’m tired of conforming. I’m tired of wasting my life trying to ‘fit in’ when I have people who love me for who I am already. Maybe I should be more with them than those who I’ve lied to. Because now, they see me for what I’ve lied to them about rather than the real me. I’m offically fed up with lying. I’m taking an oath here and now to not lie anymore about the kind of stuff I’ve lied about. No more fakeness.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Yeah, cool, no worries, just got dumped again.