Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Sat here thinking of all the people who've walked into my life and walked straight back out. This year, there's been a lot. The worst thing is about 95% of those people promised they would always be there for me. This is one of the primary reasons why people are shit.

Can't there just be someone who is always there, no matter what I do or say or what happens? I just want to know that I can depend on someone.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

I told my best guy friend that I have an eating disorder when he asked me why I’m always sad. The problem is, I’m always sad because I feel like a fat disgusting pig all the time. I’m worried that he thinks I'm lying, and that he’s judging me. Wondering why, if I have an ED, I’m not skinny.
i’m already thin, i just want to be thinner, i want you to be able to see my ribs, i want it so when i get into my underwear infront of you, all you want to do is hold me, i want you to notice that im not eating, i want you to take ahold of me and beg me to eat, instead of just telling me i should eat more, but you dont know the half of it, you only know half of it, you said eating disorders disgusted you, so i went home and did my nightly routine of vomiting and exercising and all i could think about was you, and how much i want you to notice and to care and for me to be able to tell you that im not going to eat, and i want to see the pain in your eyes, but for you to stay and let me not eat and be happy.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Day 11: A deceased person you wish you could talk to.

I didn't realise how much I love you until you were gone. I know we didn't really get along, but your death pretty much ripped me to pieces. I wish I could talk to you, just to tell you I don't hate you, I never really did. I'm sorry.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Day 10: Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to.

This is no one. Because if I want to talk to people, I'll make the effort, and if they don't talk to me then I probably don't want to talk to them anymore.

Day 9: Someone you wish you could meet.

I wish I could meet Josh Thomas, so he would fall in love with me and we would live happily ever after.
Yeah, I know, never gonna happen :(

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Day 8: The last person you kissed

You fucked everything up. I wish we could go back to what we had before, but you don't want that. You don't want me anymore and I don't even have a clue as to why. You used me. You can say you didn't all you want, but you can't change what I know/think. You're so shit, I can't believe I ever trusted you.

I'm fine with what happened, I don't care, I'm over you. Sure, we can be friends.

Monday, September 13, 2010

My mother watched me take my medication and I took it. Because I am weak. I am afraid.

I realise how ugly I’ve become. How unloveable. How invisible. There is nothing to me. I am just an empty page and there are no words. No words. I wish I had some words I could keep in my pocket to remind me I’m real. I’m alive. There are blades in my room and I need to start using them again. More than a few cuts every once in a while. I need to punish myself for being so mediocre. Not worth it.
I really need to stop falling for every guy who compliments me...

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Sometimes I feel people romanticize mental illness. I don't talk about it much but my doctor was giving me (or at least trying to) the diagnosis of whatever the fuck it is I have… from what I could tell. That just scared the shit out of me. I know I get paranoid and get really sad for no reason and sometimes I think people are deliberately trying to hurt me but it's no big deal. I guess it makes me angry that sometimes people want depression or schizophrenia and think they fucking know what it's like to be there because they know somebody or saw somebody or watched it on television. Fuck. It makes me want to break things.
I tried a dress on today and I looked so fat. I almost cried. I wish I was thin again. Yeah, I had no breasts but I could fit into a size 0. So shallow but I’d start starving again just to be thin. Except that I get incredibly sick if I don’t eat and my stomach is already painful enough without further damage. Every morning is hell until I eat. The medication doesn’t even work anymore. It’s disgusting. It’s depressing. When I’m off it the weight starts slipping off and I don’t even eat a third of what I eat now. Sorry, random uneasiness with my own body. The funny thing is, when I used to be a size 0 I thought I was I was enormous. If I were still a size 0 I would think I was enormous.
I'm putting the 30 day challenge on hold.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

So I've been used and discarded once again. I should be used to it by now, I really should. But reality never hit so fucking hard, I can't believe he did everything he said he wouldn't.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Day 7: Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Ha. I'm not even going to go into this, there's nothing interesting.
It was all about keeping the mirror in balance, too close and my eyes were monstrous and my nose in the way, too far and there only seemed to be a clothed insect who buzzed uselessly. My hands used to be like claws. My teeth would gnaw on my fingers, leaving them damp and shiny. That summer of thirteen I was like a plant that had been left inside, skin like wax that had been scraped off that sticky paper on my birthday cakes. On nights when my lungs felt starved of air I walked the streets in my bare feet, ran from my mother when the street lamps shone down on my sharp profile. The balance of the mirror had not been in my favour. In the mirror my eyes looked bruised and my mouth pursed, waiting. Everything was about waiting. I waited for the right moment. I waited for the day the voice inside my mind whispered the right words. I’d obey without question the same way I obeyed when the priest said god was ashamed of me. There was no mirror that last night. The black was endless and the water was cool in my mouth. My hands were stilled as they forgot the connection between mind and body.
As I forgot myself.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Day 6: A stranger

Dear girl who works in the craft centre,
you're really pretty + I love your hair.
I wish I was friends with you :)

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Day 5: Your dreams

Dreams, you're fucked up! Get well soon.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Day 4: Your sibling (or closest relative)

You're beautiful. And I know that you look up to me, but please don't. I'm one of the worst role models you could have. Don't do what I did/am doing. It's really not worth it, and our parents don't need another fucked up child.
I love you.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Day 3: Your parents.

Sorry for being such a little dickhead. I know I've put you through so much these past few years, I really don't appreciate you enough. I wish I was a better daughter for you.