Monday, June 28, 2010

If you really knew me.

1. I desperately want to be accepted
2. I am afraid of not winning this battle
3. Just now I am figuring out who I am
4. I have a hard time with the concept of forgiving
5. I smile all the time because I don't know what else to do
6. My eating disorder is not the problem; it's the symptom of my real problems
7. Sometimes I just want you to listen, not talk, not interrupt, not offer advice or suggestions. Sometimes all I want is you to sit there and listen and to feel like I have been heard
8. Sometimes the weight of my sadness is bone-crushing, like the pressure of water down deep
9. I hurt myself because it's the only feeling that I can stand to feel
10. I am terrified of not being good enough
11. At the start of the next day, before I even brush my teeth, I ask God to help me stop myself from hurting either myself or anyone around me
12. I'm deathly afraid of growing up and dealing with all the things a grown-up must think about. 13. There are so many things I wish I could say
14. Words and actions hurt me even though they weren't meant to
15. I cry when you hug me because of the emptiness and pain I know I'll feel when you finally do let me go
16. I am so incredibly mean to myself. I wouldn't talk to any other person on earth the way I talk to myself
17. What I want right now more than anything is love from myself. If I had more self love, the criticisms, the negativity, the thoughts, the low self-esteem, the self-doubts would all cease
18. I sometimes need your help, but I'm not sure how to tell you this
19. I really do care about you, more than you could even imagine
20. I cry when no one is around
21. I hold back from full recovery because I hang on to anorexia as an excuse to not chase after my real goals
22. I don't like the eating disorder, I just am having a hard time disliking it
23. I felt too ashamed, too dirty, too embarrassed and too scared to tell you that I couldn't cope without hurting myself
24. I have a very difficult time seeing myself as a girl/woman/anything feminine
25. I want to make a difference in the world
26. I am unable to see my potential right now but it helps me to hear you when you tell me it's there
27. I'm afraid to know myself and understand my feelings and wishes
28. As I'm smiling and laughing, I have voices screaming and degrading me in my head
29. My family is more dysfunctional than I like to admit
30. When I laughingly say I don't want to grow up, I'm not joking. I really am terrified
31. I believe that everyone's flaws should be accepted and forgiven except for mine
32. I'm always in a state of obsession. My mind is always going a mile a minute and my ED is ALWAYS berating me for something. I never have a moment of pure peace or silence in my head
33. I'd love to escape to somewhere by the beach, eat, drink, dance, without a care in the world
34. I lied my way through treatment and I'm now paying the consequences
35. I'm scared to leave the student world and enter the real world alone
36. I miss my parents like mad
37. I feel there's an empty hole in me
38. I feel guilty about all the pain I feel
39. I hate, absolutely hate, feeling vulnerable and I will do almost anything to avoid it
40. I feel nothing most of the time and I wait to see your reactions before I know how to respond/reply/react myself
41. I am really sensitive although I appear unfeeling
42. I'll lie to everybody to keep them from being hurt or from hurting them
43. I feel like a complete failure
44. What I want most is to just hear that I am ok just the way I am even if my natural state isn't common, normal or cool
45. What you said/did hurts
46. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere and I feel like an alien and that I don't belong in this time because my outlook feels so foreign
47. I don't like myself right now and I need support, but then when I get that support, I'm scared to let go of it again, scared that I'll lose it
48. I still sleep with a stuffed animal
49. No one could berate me more than I do myself
50. I hate being needy and yet I long to be taken care of
51. Without this mask I don't really know who I am
52. I'm not trusting of anyone
53. I simultaneously crave both fitting in and standing out. I feel like a failure when I'm different, and I feel like a failure when I blend
54. The ED was the only constant in my life, the only thing which felt unchanging regardless of what external events happened. The ED was the only guarantee, the only certainty, the only thing loyal to me throughout everything that came my way
55. I wish that I didn't hate myself but at the same time, I don't know how it would feel to like myself
56. I am so afraid of being in a relationship, and I fear I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life 57. I wear my weight like an armour
58. The bigger my smile, the larger my pain
59. I use my body to convey what my words cannot
60. I always feel like a burden but usually I hide that
61. I don't want you to give up on me
62. I have big dreams and wish that I believed enough to make them become a reality
63. I don't even know myself
64. I want to love my father, but I cannot figure out how
65. For years, I longed for someone to know my secret, in the hope they'd stop the pain and stop me from hurting because I didn't care enough about myself to stop myself
66. When I do something stupid, and remember it later, the "me" in the memory always looks fat and ugly
67. I have no confidence in myself or my abilities
68. I struggle to believe in myself at times and fear being hurt by criticism but I want to be courageous and stop shrinking back from those things I am gifted at
69. I will not show that I am mad at you. In fact, I probably won't even feel mad at you, unless someone else reassures me that it IS something to be mad about
70. I want to find something that will make my parents proud of me
71. I don't think I really give a shit about how I look. I only talk about it so much as a way of verbalizing all the fears inside me that I don't know how to identify.
72. I love you even when you don't think I do
73. I pray that I will still be able to have children someday
74. I'm so, so sorry for all the times I lied to you
75. I am scared shitless because I don't know what to do with my life and I cannot cope without direction
76. I only pretend to be immature: I'm scared to show you just how serious and deep I can be.
77. I need help believing in myself
78. I don't know who I am or what I'm all about
79. I don't feel that I deserve your unconditional love
80. Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment
81. I won't ever measure up to "you"
82. I harbour an immense amount of guilt over my actions and this prevents me from telling you, as I don't want you to shoulder my pain and my burden, or know me for what I am.
83. I am really afraid that I could really exceed beyond my wildest dreams. But I have never let myself try, because what if I succeed then fail miserably
84. I would give anything to get out of my head, out of my own body.
85. I'm scared that this will kill me

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