Saturday, June 5, 2010

Because I’m angry. I’m angry at the world, I’m angry at myself, and I’m angry at you. Because I try really fucking hard to trust you and I can’t, because as much as I know about you, you don’t tell me things. Because I hate who I am half the time and although I’m good at keeping face and hiding it, I’m so fucking mad at this world I can’t handle it sometimes. Because you fucked it up twice and every time you come crawling back I feed into it, even though nothing changes. Because I can’t let go and the thought of doing so scares the living hell out of me. Because I don’t fucking feel safe or right unless I’m connecting to something technological. Because I’m a hypocrite, because I’m exactly what I hate and what I tell my male friends not to put up with. But you fucking made me this way. With your lies and your scheming and god knows what else - it’s your fault that I’m this fucking crazy. Because sometimes I remind myself of my mother and as much as I love her I don’t want to be like her. Because I’m trying so hard but I’m so torn it hurts. Because I cry nearly every day and it makes me feel like a piece of angsty over-dramatic shit. Because you do these things to me and then make me feel like I need to apologize. Because I’m stressed out and I don’t know what I think or how I feel. Because you’re never there when I need you most. Because you’re never here, period. Because I don’t feel like you even really fucking care that you’re not here. Because I shouldn’t be with you - you’re the last person I should be with. Because half the time I feel like I don’t deserve you even though realistically you probably don’t deserve me after all the loyalty and respect I’ve shown you and all the shit treatment you’ve shown me. Because not telling someone is the same as lying. Because I’m sick and tired of feeling second best in your book and because the words don’t mean anything anymore. Because I don’t believe you. Because when I hear compliments they mean more from other people than from you, because I feel like yours are forced. I just fucking hate this. I hate it so much. And I hate that I take it so much to heart and that I’m so angry all the time. I’m SO FUCKING ANGRY. And I’m not an angry person. And there’s nothing I can be angry at. I don’t know where to target how I feel or how to deal with it.
I just want something to fucking make it stop and nothing can. Especially you.

This, this, this. So much.

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