I hate that I’ll see something and want to tell you about it, only to realise that you don’t care anymore, I’ll see that you’re online, and its horrible knowing you’re right there, but I can’t say anything to you, yet just the fact your presence is there comforts me and somehow upsets me at the same time, and I’d give anything for you to talk to me first again, just to tell me you miss me and that you were wrong. I just want to knock on your picture on the computer screen and say hey, hey you! Remember me? I’m still here, I used to mean something to you, remember?

I stare at the catastrophe of my young face, at my emptiness. Thousands of years appear to hang on me. I feel that I am waking, slowly and sluggishly, from a profound and disturbing sleep to find that the nightmare is real after all. This is it. My world has contracted to this, to planning my next stolen meal, to examining myself in the mirror. My life is a dirty beetle, repulsed into a ball. There will never be a time when I’m the right shape. I will never be lean enough. This is the future. This is all I am, another dirty creature. I can almost see the tapeworm wriggling under my skin.

Day 15: The person you miss the most.

Rachael, one of my best friends in the whole entire world.
I miss you every single day, I wish I lived closer to you!

Day 14: Someone you’ve drifted away from.

This one would have to be either Shay or Samara.

Shay, because we used to be really close and told each other everything, but these past few months he's gotten really mean and it seems like he doesn't even care anymore, doesn't want to be my friend. It kind of hurts. A lot.

Samara, because we were best friends in primary school, but I guess we've both changed and we're just not as close as we were. I wish we could go back to what we used to have, I miss that.

It makes me laugh to hear people talking about how they have “insomnia”. YOU DON’T! You have a fucked up sleeping pattern, so stop talking about insomnia like it’s some kind of hip thing. Insomnia is not staying up on the computer all night and talking about your insomnia with whomever decides to be online at such a fucking stupid hour. Insomnia is not playing a game all night. Insomnia is lying down in your bed for ten hours without being able to close your eyes. Insomnia is the inability to sleep, not lacking the desire to sleep. Insomnia is torture. I want to sleep so badly, but I can’t because of all this shit. I have no desire for anything more in the world than just to lie down and sleep for weeks or months. To just disappear. The best part is that no one would notice if I did.

Day 13: Someone you wish could forgive you.

These are shit, I can't even think of letters to write anymore. So I'm just going to say the person's name if I can't think of anything, k?

Brandon, because I fucked everything up like I do everytime.

Day 12: The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain.

I don't even know...this is probably myself, as cliche as that sounds. I hurt myself all the time, and I don't hate anyone in the world more than I hate myself. I wish things were different, but they're not and I guess I just have to deal with that.