Why do I get jealous so easily?
Just because he wrote 'Coot ;D' on another girl's photo, I have this sick feeling in my stomach, like I think he's going to dump me for her or something. I just want to talk to him, talk to Tai and Matt. I just want someone to make it better, I hate feeling like this :(
I wish I wasn't like this.

It's taken me this long to get over you.
But fuck, seeing you last night just made me so angry.
We're "friends", right?
I thought friends at least acknowledged each other in public.
Finally realised that you're not that great, and you walk like a fucking idiot wannabe gangster. YOU'RE WHITE. Douchebag.
And I hope you get a new girlfriend, and you and her do what we did, and the same thing happens, and she tells EVERYONE.
Because you deserve it.

This sounds harsh, but it's all true.

I want candles, fairy lights, incense and moon light. I want hours and hours of music whilst we make out. I want passion and sweat and saliva. I want to feel your heart beating next to mine when our chests are pressed tightly together. I want to make you the happiest boy alive. I want to lock my door and forget about the outside world with you for just one night.

Every time somebody tells me I'm hot, it doesn't make me feel attractive. It just makes me feel like I will never live up to their expectations if I take my clothes off. It makes me sick.

I can never believe that people really mean that I can “talk to them any time.” I’m always going to be interrupting something. I’m not worth anybody’s time.

Trust me, I know how it feels. I know exactly how it feels to cry in the shower so no one can hear you. I know what it’s like to wait for everyone to be asleep so you can just fall apart, for everything to hurt so bad you’re ready to let it all end. Trust me. I know exactly how it feels.

Starting from now, I'm not going to start any conversations with anyone on msn/facebook chat. Because I always feel like I'm annoying people if I talk to them. and I don't want that. So if anyone actually wants to talk to me, they can make the effort, start the conversation. I'm not doing it anymore.

Yeah and this makes no sense so I'm gonna go now, doubt anyone even reads this.

Getting fed up with being "one of the guys."
I really want you.
Bad.
Let's start again and say, "Yeah, that's her. Ain't she grand?"

THIS.
SO MUCH.

I knew I cared, I just wasn't aware how much.
I feel like I just took a stab to the heart. Sick feeling in my stomach.
I hate this.

Well, whatever makes you happy.

I'm sick of being the nice girl. The one who's overlooked, the one who becomes your friend and nothing more. I spend hours trying to figure out what's wrong with me, because it must be that I'm doing something wrong. I understand I'm not perfect, but the boys I'm interested in aren't either. They're always interested in someone else, someone prettier, someone smarter, someone that's everything I'm not. I just want them to understand that maybe, what they're looking for is right under their nose. I've heard every single stupid piece of advice, and I don't want to hear it anymore.
I just want a boy to feel the same thing for me as I do for him.
Just for once.

I want a group of friends like in John Green’s “Looking for Alaska.” I’m longing for a Colonel and an Alaska, and I’m sick of being alone. I’m like Pudge before he went to Culver Creek. I want friends like Sam and Patrick from “Perks of Being a Wallflower”- I want those friends that could change my life, give me hope, and make me feel like I’m alive. That can make me feel that I can actually be myself and not have to hide who I really am. I want those friends that I can jump in a car with and go cruising for hours (almost like when everyone piled into Alaska’s car, or when Charlie went out cruising with Sam and Patrick, standing up in the pickup truck’s bed to feel like he was flying), laughing and singing terribly to songs on the radio. Why can’t they all be real?

There are two different types of girls - those that look in the mirror and hate theirselves and cry and complain and eat ice cream and get over it. And those that look in the mirror and cut theirselves because we can’t deal with what we see. We’re just like you, we feel the same things you do, only we can’t just deal with it. It grinds away at us and makes us hate ourselves inside and out. We envy you.

I hate that I’ll see something and want to tell you about it, only to realise that you don’t care anymore, I’ll see that you’re online, and its horrible knowing you’re right there, but I can’t say anything to you, yet just the fact your presence is there comforts me and somehow upsets me at the same time, and I’d give anything for you to talk to me first again, just to tell me you miss me and that you were wrong. I just want to knock on your picture on the computer screen and say hey, hey you! Remember me? I’m still here, I used to mean something to you, remember?

I stare at the catastrophe of my young face, at my emptiness. Thousands of years appear to hang on me. I feel that I am waking, slowly and sluggishly, from a profound and disturbing sleep to find that the nightmare is real after all. This is it. My world has contracted to this, to planning my next stolen meal, to examining myself in the mirror. My life is a dirty beetle, repulsed into a ball. There will never be a time when I’m the right shape. I will never be lean enough. This is the future. This is all I am, another dirty creature. I can almost see the tapeworm wriggling under my skin.

Day 15: The person you miss the most.

Rachael, one of my best friends in the whole entire world.
I miss you every single day, I wish I lived closer to you!

Day 14: Someone you’ve drifted away from.

This one would have to be either Shay or Samara.

Shay, because we used to be really close and told each other everything, but these past few months he's gotten really mean and it seems like he doesn't even care anymore, doesn't want to be my friend. It kind of hurts. A lot.

Samara, because we were best friends in primary school, but I guess we've both changed and we're just not as close as we were. I wish we could go back to what we used to have, I miss that.

It makes me laugh to hear people talking about how they have “insomnia”. YOU DON’T! You have a fucked up sleeping pattern, so stop talking about insomnia like it’s some kind of hip thing. Insomnia is not staying up on the computer all night and talking about your insomnia with whomever decides to be online at such a fucking stupid hour. Insomnia is not playing a game all night. Insomnia is lying down in your bed for ten hours without being able to close your eyes. Insomnia is the inability to sleep, not lacking the desire to sleep. Insomnia is torture. I want to sleep so badly, but I can’t because of all this shit. I have no desire for anything more in the world than just to lie down and sleep for weeks or months. To just disappear. The best part is that no one would notice if I did.

Day 13: Someone you wish could forgive you.

These are shit, I can't even think of letters to write anymore. So I'm just going to say the person's name if I can't think of anything, k?

Brandon, because I fucked everything up like I do everytime.

Day 12: The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain.

I don't even know...this is probably myself, as cliche as that sounds. I hurt myself all the time, and I don't hate anyone in the world more than I hate myself. I wish things were different, but they're not and I guess I just have to deal with that.